Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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