I just threw up on my dentist
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
