Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
