tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
