It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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