i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Come on in and take your pants off
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