I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
