I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
