good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
