smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We have started to decorate penises.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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