he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize