I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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