I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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