I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
