I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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