how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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