The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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