I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
NoShamevember. You game?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize