I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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