I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
