i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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