I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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