I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Can you bring me the toilet please
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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