I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
