My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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