Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I stole a fireplace last night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
