If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I touched a dick in church today
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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