i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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