i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Randomize
