Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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