if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
