chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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