Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
