Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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