Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
