Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
