The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
