did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
