Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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