I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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