That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
