There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
