I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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