I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
