If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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