her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
