CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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