My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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