Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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