She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
