heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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