did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
