Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
