I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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