New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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