You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
