Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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