Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
