I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
