i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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