My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
