I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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