1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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