Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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