Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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