Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
