God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
